Insignificant Thoughts

January 26, 2006

remember when...

I'm really not use to songs by Alan Jackson like this. I know I've heard "Remember When" before, and thought it was a pretty song with a nice melody, but this morning I heard it and really listened to it. Then I downloaded it from iTunes, and have listened to it quite a few times since. It's a very nostalgic song, and gets me thinking of things that used to be even when they weren't really.

Last July I married the love of my life. She is the high school sweetheart I married right after graduation, and lived happily ever with… that I never had. Instead we went to school together, but never really knew each other, graduated, lived our individual lives, found each other many years later, and fell in love. Same thing different journey...

We met, fell in love, and lived happily ever after.

I love you Karin!!

Posted by deminimis at 09:20 PM

November 16, 2005

dreams are dreams

eventually you have to wake up from even the best ones...

Posted by deminimis at 04:42 PM

October 31, 2005

insignificant thoughts... very significant subject

It is really terrifyingly incredible just how much control she has over my emotions. A genuine smile from her melts my heart like nothing could have before, her anger or dissapointment crush me in a way that I never imagined was possible, but only slightly more than a contrived calculating smile. Can you possibly imagine what her mom does to me?

She only wants to grow up, explore the world a little, test her wings some... Screw all of your little cliches. She doesn't understand what's out there; she doesn't understand some things at all. It's just a game, a little game of dress up and make believe to her, but to people looking in it's very real.

That being said... I have to keep reminding myself that I'm still learning and growing myself. I'll make mistakes, and most definately I'll piss her off. Along the way I hope she knows that this is all new to me, and maybe someday I'll have it better figured out. Then she might feel a little bit of the pride that I do everytime I think of her and all that she is and is becoming.

Posted by deminimis at 04:11 PM

September 15, 2005

No punch backs!

I noticed something today... My life has changed. In the last year, the last months, the last days. Everyday my life changes a little more from what it had been for what seemed like forever. Driving down the road today, on my way to work, on the way home and driving around at lunch. Everywhere there were Volks Wagon Beetles, punch buggies, slug bugs, whatever you prefer to call them in your area.

I never used to notice them at all, until last year I didn't really pay attention to punch buggies, or pa-diddles, really there was a lot that went un-noticed. That was before I met Karin though, since then she has showed me a lot that I was missing, and because of her my life has changed.

While I was driving today, and seeing all of those punch buggies, I was calling them to myself. I was really on a streak too, and then it struck me, I was alone. It was really a strange thing to me, I wasn't just by myself, I didn't have my other half. It wasn't a sad feeling though. Actually it was a realization that there is another half to me, and now that I have found her I'm never really alone anymore. She is always in my mind and my heart. The first person I think of when I see something amazing or funny, the one that I can't wait to wrap my arms around and tell all about my hopes and dreams.

Karin, I love you, and by the way.... Punch Buggie!!!!!

Posted by deminimis at 02:58 AM

February 16, 2005

You will be missed

My heart has joined the thousand, for my friend stopped running today.
Richard Adams - Watership Down

It's been 4 days now, 4 days since I watched my best friend die. No that's not even really the truth. It's been 4 days since I told the vet I was ready. It was a lie though. A lie to the vet, myself, and Faeril. I wasn't ready for her to go, and I'm not ready to be without her.

You can probably tell this was starting out as a really pissed off entry last week. I wasn't able to finish it, and maybe it was a good thing that I didn't. For the most part it was a self hating rant about letting Faeril down.

She was my best friend for 11 years. She sat with me though the big breakup, and she never complained even when I started "remodeling" the house. Instead she would sit back and watch until I kneeled down for something. Then she would rush forward to stick her head through a crook in my arm, the bend in my knee, or up under my chin. Anything to let me know she was there and looking for a little love.

I don't want to go into the details, mostly because I keep finding myself trying too hard to justify putting her down. I just hope that I did the right thing for her at the end...

Posted by deminimis at 07:02 PM | Comments (3)

July 29, 2004

L'homme écrit

I guess that the French lessons are moving along. I can speak at great lengths about cats, dogs, horses, and people in their various forms. I can tell you if they run, jump, fall, and also if they decide to do one of several other actions. I know the difference between sitting on something, under something, and something sitting on them. I’m sure that one could come in handy. The genders are driving me crazy though.

Women, and girls always feminine, just like men, and boys are always masculine. That’s easy enough, but who decided about other things. If a car is feminine, then why not a boat, or a plane? Why is a dog un chien even if it is a female dog? Shouldn't it be une chien, or do you just say La femme un chien? La femme et Un chien would be the woman and a dog, so I don't think that logic would hold up.

I'm assuming there are rules for the choices, and hopefully I'll learn them later. I would hate to think it's all about memorization, and that every time a new word is in use they just decide what gender it is.

I just went to find out what a female dog would be. Just in case you're curious, it's un chien femelle.

Posted by deminimis at 06:54 PM | Comments (1)

we now return you to our regularly scheduled program

Oh, I have things to tell you about. Now that I've shown a little of the inner workings of my mind, I've decided to get back to the more trivial, mundane. I meant to say interesting actually, but you know what I mean.

I have stories of dancing goats that mug you when you aren't looking, and an owl in recovery. Wait it gets better, I know you'll want to hear about my re-enactment of the opening scene of Mission Impossible. It was really very impressive, right up until the moment I fell, luckily it was only about four or five feet. Oops, I think I may have told a little too much about that one.

I probably should have mentioned there was a spoiler in here, but I've never really been one for suspense. I'll wait a little while until you forget the ending, and then I'll come back and wow you with the story. It actually involves terrible winged beasts, howling winds, and great physical feats. I'm sure there will be a hero, but it's not who you might think. Definitely, you should come back and find out more.

Posted by deminimis at 03:37 PM | Comments (0)

July 28, 2004

I winked

I could say it was an accident, that I had something in my eye; it was really just a blink... Yeah, I could say that, but we know it isn't true.

Believe it or not this wasn't supposed to happen this way. I would play it cool, go with the flow.

Have you ever watched a hamster running on his wheel? What in the world could he possibly get out of it, he just goes round and round. Really that isn't true though, he stays in one place trying frantically to pull something to him. Sometimes pissing people off with the creaking squeaking sound it makes. Why does he do it, can't he see that he's going nowhere.

Speaking of nowhere, mainly because in case you haven't noticed my mind runs off in fifty different directions. I just go where it leads, and it's more interesting this way sometimes. An English teacher once gave my class a piece of paper with the letters HOPEISNOWHERE. She told us to think about what we saw, it would tell us a lot about our outlook on life. When you look at it what do you see? Me, hope is the one thing I'm always full of. Well according to some people I'm also full of at least one other thing.

Hope is now here... Maybe that's why the hamster keeps running on that wheel. Reaching and pulling at what he wants, knowing, or at least hoping that each time he gets a little closer to his dreams. Then again maybe he is just too dumb to know any better.

I really don't know if all of the running gets him or me any closer to where we want to be. I do like the ride though, and always keeping that hope that with one more pull I'll find you there. There are always little pieces, vanilla milk... Pull, front-end loaders... Reach, popcorn on movie nights...

Really I don't want the squeaking wheel to piss you off though, so I'm going to take a break from it, clear my head a little and see where I go. Honestly I'll probably be back on it again sometime soon.

Seriously, it wasn't supposed to go like this. I'm really not like this. Something just keeps telling me, being there is worth it, it will make the difference... Stupid hamster.

I winked, and I meant it.

Posted by deminimis at 10:51 PM | Comments (1)

July 26, 2004

recurring thoughts

I don’t know how old I was when I first remember having a nightmare, but I do remember the nightmare clearly. I was in my bedroom, alone in the house, and it was raining outside. The thunder and lightning started getting louder and brighter, and the skies were very dark. Suddenly, it became very quiet as the lights went out at the same exact moment the storm stopped. That’s when it happened, that’s when they came walking up the driveway. They were trying to get in the house, trying to get me! It was all of them, every last one of the characters from Sesame Street!

I never have really gotten over that dream, and it probably explains why when all of my friends loved that show, I was enjoying less terrifying shows. Shock Theater was always my favorite. Dr Creep was there every week, showing me movies like The Blob, Creature from the Black Lagoon, and I don’t remember the name but the movie about the giant spider. I knew he would never try to get in my house, never come after me.

I used to have recurring nightmares growing up, never recurring dreams just nightmares. I don't mean that I never had nice dreams, just never one that happened repeatedly. Anyway my “favorite” nightmare was about a man dressed completely in black. I never saw his face, and sometimes I didn’t even see him. The dreams were always different, he was always after me, but he never managed to catch me. Sometimes because he couldn’t get me, he would take it out on friends. They never tried to get away, just stood there and let him get them.

The last year I was in the navy, I started having a dream about being shot. This one was always the same exact dream. I'm standing in a dark room with a large open door at one end. Through the door I see lights in a line, like streetlights. Someone is there with me, and I know who it is. It’s the same old trick though; I never see their face. I'm surprised to see them, and ask what they are doing there. That's when they shoot me. I slide down the wall sitting up, they shoot me two more times, and the dream ends.

I always tell people if I get shot to tell the police I knew the person. It just seemed so real; I actually felt the thump of the first bullet hitting me. I haven’t had that one in several years, maybe whoever I pissed off enough to shoot me is out of my life now.

Those are my nightmares, the ones that stand out in my mind anyway. I’ve never had recurring dreams before, only the nightmares, until now. No, lately when I find myself waking up in the middle of the night, I still have dreams on my mind. It’s usually the same, not the same dream, but the same idea, or subject. Sometimes I even see Sponge Bob in them… Maybe I’m getting over my fears of children’s characters. Who knows maybe after all of these years, even Big Bird and I can sit down and work out our differences. If there’s one thing everyone should know about me, it’s that I always have hope.

Posted by deminimis at 03:39 PM | Comments (0)

July 23, 2004

Seriously

I just found this through Halsted, and once I got up off of the floor I had to share. "Seriously."

Posted by deminimis at 04:37 AM | Comments (0)

July 22, 2004

this post has absolutely no point...

I'm going to learn French! You would think I'd learn about making public declarations like that, but I just wanted to say it. Perhaps it's just my little attempt at flipping off the Republicans. I love making those sort of public declarations.

Since I don't really seem to be getting closer to mastering English, I thought I would add to the tiny bit of French that I know. Maybe even enough to carry on a conversation, without using gestures even.

All right, the no gestures part is going too far. My hands are usually moving when I talk, never near my groin though thank you. Actually, it's not just when I talk. My hands are just always on the go, moving, touching, feeling, caressing... never near my groin though.

Has anyone ever asked you about losing one of the five senses? If you had to give up a sense which one would it be? That would be one of the senses everyone has… sorry you can't include ESP.

I've thought about it, you know, what I would give up with each one. I was never able to choose one that I could give up, but after thinking about it, I know that touch is the one that I could never give up...

The places I end up when I start talking... I’m sure there will be more later.

"Where rivulets dance their wayward round, and beauty born of murmuring sound shall pass into her face."
William Wordsworth

"Love looks not with the eye, but with the mind, and therefore is winged cupid painted blind."
~Mid Summer Night's Dream~ William Shakespeare

If anyone sees that chubby little cherub, please send him my way... So I can kick his ass!

"Eww that smell. Can't you smell that smell? The smell that surrounds you...."
Lynyrd Skynyrd

I couldn't think of a quote about smell...

"How does the poet speak to men with power, but by being still more a man than they?"
Thomas Carlyle

Speak truth to power!

"No man can feel himself alone. The while he bravely stands, between the best friends ever known. His two good, honest hands"
Nixon Waterman

but never near his groin... I searched and searched for a quote just like that. I joke, but seriously folks I'll be here all week!

Posted by deminimis at 09:32 PM | Comments (0)

July 21, 2004

no shoes, no shirt, no service...

On January 8th of this year Governor Taft signed house bill 12 into Ohio law, giving Ohio residents the right to carry concealed weapons with a permit, and 12 hours of training. Two hours of the twelve is actually handling the weapon!

The law became effective April 8th, and so far about 22,000 permits have been issued. The good thing about this is that it's half of what supporters of the law expected. The bad thing is that there are 22,000 people out there carrying concealed weapons!

The law does give business owners the right to put a sign on the front of their stores making it illegal to have a concealed weapon in their store. They are usually up right along side the sign that says 'no shoes, no shirt, no service.' When I first started noticing the signs, it made me laugh a little. Then I had to start thinking about all of the stores that don't have the signs, how many of the people around me are packing? Of course the stores that do have the signs up are under attack by the gun rights groups. Some are giving in, but I hope that more hold out.

I don't like guns. Not since I was a teenager have I liked them. Ok, target practice I'm all right with, hunters, I don't have a problem with. It's not something that I will ever do, but it would be pretty hypocritical after the burger I had earlier to complain about them.

When I was in the Navy I used to get put on the ships security force all of the time, and had to qualify on the .45, and shotgun. On board ship they never use high-powered rifles like the m-14 or m-16. Most of the walls are basically like sheet metal and who knows where the bullets would go. Out at sea sometimes though they would throw large beach balls in the water, and let us try to hit them with the 50 caliber machine guns. Which we hardly ever did, those things are beasts.

I never had the, personality, temperament, balls... I don't know, call it whatever you want, but I never had it in me. When we had security alerts, I was ok at getting to my assigned location, and I could look tough holding the shotgun, that's about as far as it went though.

Anytime it came to "taking down" the intruder, even thinking about pointing a weapon at someone had very bad effects on me. I would imagine the shot leaving the barrel and see it hitting the person, and my stomach would turn over. I was "killed" and captured a couple of times, because I wouldn't put people down.

I told people about my feelings, and was told if it comes down to an actual intruder you'll change your mind, if it’s you or them... I don't know if I would or not, I would really like to think it wouldn't change, that I couldn't shoot someone.

I always preferred being on fire party when I had the chance. It was a lot dirtier, but I liked the idea of going into a fire much better than forcing someone to the ground, or possibly shooting someone.

Whenever I talk about my views on war, and killing, I'm usually asked why I went into the Navy... It was so I could fix computers, and see the world of course. The possibility was always there for an accident or even war, I guess, but my duties would still be to keep the computers running no matter what.

Just in case though everyone learns first aid and battle dressings, and of course how to stop the ship from actually sinking. I can still do both very well too. I even know how to dress a "sucking chest wound" with a cigarette pack. I didn't say I would be your first choice if you were hurt, just that in a pinch I'm there. Of course I don't smoke though... So if we find ourselves in that situation hopefully you do.

Wow, did I ever get away from the original idea that I wanted to write about... Oh well, I guess I have to go where it takes me.

Posted by deminimis at 06:41 PM | Comments (0)

July 20, 2004

just where was Hemingway around 1936?

It started storming Saturday after the movie. So, to pass the time waiting for it to clear up, I picked up a book and stopped in a coffee shop.

While I was reading a man sitting next to me asked what I was reading. Hemingway, I said.

"Oh... Is that his picture on the back?"

I turned the book over to look, and told him it was. He sort of chuckled and said, "I thought you were reading something about Saddam Hussein."

Posted by deminimis at 03:49 PM | Comments (0)

July 19, 2004

the movie, and after

I went to see Before Sunset on Saturday, and I have to tell you. I thought it was even better than I had expected. Ok, it's probably not a movie for everyone, I mean the entire movie is the conversation between Jesse (Ethan Hawke) and Celine (Julia Delpy), but it was one of those amazing conversations. One that makes you feel as if you were seeing and experiencing everything that they were saying. The body language, and gestures as they were talking, I tell you they really did a wonderful job with the story and production.

After watching the movie though, I found myself thinking about a lot of things. That's when I heard the little voice. It was reality...

"What are you going on about this for? It's just a movie... Yes it was very well written, but it was written. It's a conversation that you only find in a movie, or a book... It's what everyone wants, so they make it so, to find it in the real world though... Come on!"

He was making sense you know. It was the sort of conversation that I dream of having. It wasn't perfect, there were awkward moments, and... That is what made it so great though, what made it seem like a real conversation. As if they just gotten the idea to film two people meeting after a very long time apart.

The romantic started getting encouraged by the way my thinking was going, and he started speaking up...

"Don't listen to that shit... Don't even try to tell me that you don't still believe that all of it is possible either. Once you start thinking that way you may as well just pack it in."

You know I never realized that romance had such an attitude, but he was really making sense to me, egged on by hope of course. Reality was getting pissed though, and attacked romance from behind, trying to choke him.

It was touch and go there for a while. After a few cheap shots by reality, that I wont even go into, romance came back. I mean really beat the crap out of him. I had to jump in and stop it before reality was killed off completely. I have to admit though, I thought about it for a moment. How great would it be to be rid of him, romance and me could have one hell of a party. Ok, with just the two of us though... Yeah, that’s just masturbation.

So reality went off for a little while, to clean himself up and rest. I had a good long talk with romance, and we came to a little understanding... Just because he is the strongest one in me, we still need a little reality in our life. He understood, and I think they are making up even as I write this. It's just good for all three of us to know... As far as I'm concerned, it's not life without romance...

Posted by deminimis at 05:59 AM | Comments (0)

guess what I did today...

I managed to get one of my dining room windows in tonight. The second one will get in sometime this week I hope. Yeah, I could have put both of them in if I hadn't gone to the movie yesterday, but I don't care. I'm glad I took the day to see it.

My hands are a little worse for wear after busting the stone out. I should probably use gloves, but I tell myself the same thing every time. Maybe I just can't do without the tactile feel of the sledgehammer, the tingle in the handle when it hits the stone, and picking through the rock pile afterwards. Then again maybe my head is as hard as the stone.

My neighbor was a little surprised when he got home tonight. You would think he would be used to finding me doing these things. He thought it looked good though, and even that it was strange to think it wasn't always there. Hopefully it still looks like it should have always been this way when I get the other three windows in.

Unfortunately I found out that my ivy has been making it through cracks in the mortar. I really like the ivy, but I think I may end up having to cut it all down. I may try pulling it off the wall and re-training it on a trellis, but who knows what I'll end up doing. I sure don't.

Want to see pictures? Click me

Posted by deminimis at 03:14 AM | Comments (0)